Well, here goes something. I am a thirty- five yr old ninth grade drop out about to tell you how I started the healing process from child abuse.
First I should tell you about the abuse. My mother divorced my father while he was in prison for not paying child support with wife#1. My mother was wife #2.
I live with my mother for the first two years of my life, during which time I suffered abuse, brutality, malnutrition, abandonment, rickets and sexual abuse from my step father. my mother and father were both alcoholics. Just after my second birthday my mother packed up herself and my older sister, set me on the front step of the trailer, locked it up and left.
I remember that day as though it was yesterday. I was sitting on the steps when a green car pulled up along the curb. I didn't know at that it was my father until he got out of the car. I couldn't go running to him like most little boys would because of my health.
He picked me up in his arms and carried me back to the car and told me that from now on I would live with him. He opened the door and set me on the lap of a woman he called mother, and off we drove.
I didn't understand until eleven years later that she was my stepmother. Whether asleep or awake, I had flash backs or dreams of a mean lady.
I* suffered from headaches, which grew into migraines by my teens. I was a "D" and "F" student in school and was always accused of daydreaming. I didn't know how to make friends, was very shy and started my first homosexual experiences at the age of five.
My father was a homophobic truck driver and a violent drunk and at the age of five told me that kissing him good night would stop because I was a big boy now. Hand shakes would take the place of love from my father.
I didn't start school until I was six. A few years later I was held back a year. by the time I turned seventeen I had run away several times. One day after school, I went to a Navy recruiting center and asked how old I had to be to join the service. they said eighteen but with parental consent I could join at seventeen. I asked for the necessary papers and took them home and said I wanted to join the Navy, and if they didn't sign the papers I would run away again. They decided that if I wanted away from home that bad, the military was the best place to be. I enlisted in August, 1972.
In all those years I had never heard from my natural mother, and on three separate occasions, my mother had asked about me. The first two times my father said she wanted to see me I said "NO". I could not hold down a job, and always thought everyone disliked or hated me. About the age of twenty or so I started reading books such as "I'm OK, Your're OK". any books that I thought would help me get over my dysfunctional family life. I also started doing crossword puzzles to increase my vocabulary, and would practice adding and subtracting till I didn't have to sue my fingers to help.
I didn't know it at the time but the decision to see my mother changed my life dramatically in ways I wasn't aware of until years later. At the age of 25 or so, having broken up with a lover, who was also and alcoholic, and abuser, I felt I was HIV positive that was back in 1979 June to be exact. I had decided to go home to Michigan to see my father and stepmother from here on referred to as mother of love. I was going to tell them that I thought I had AIDS, but five minutes in the door my father, for the third time, said your mother wants to see you. Without even thinking, I blurted out " I think its abouth time ". It wasn't until later that night that I staarted feeling scared, angry, confused, but not hopeful. What to say; what not to say; all the feelings and questions hit all at once. Talk about my cup runneth over, it was more like putting a thimble at the bottom of Niagara Falls.
First I should tell you about the abuse. My mother divorced my father while he was in prison for not paying child support with wife#1. My mother was wife #2.
I live with my mother for the first two years of my life, during which time I suffered abuse, brutality, malnutrition, abandonment, rickets and sexual abuse from my step father. my mother and father were both alcoholics. Just after my second birthday my mother packed up herself and my older sister, set me on the front step of the trailer, locked it up and left.
I remember that day as though it was yesterday. I was sitting on the steps when a green car pulled up along the curb. I didn't know at that it was my father until he got out of the car. I couldn't go running to him like most little boys would because of my health.
He picked me up in his arms and carried me back to the car and told me that from now on I would live with him. He opened the door and set me on the lap of a woman he called mother, and off we drove.
I didn't understand until eleven years later that she was my stepmother. Whether asleep or awake, I had flash backs or dreams of a mean lady.
I* suffered from headaches, which grew into migraines by my teens. I was a "D" and "F" student in school and was always accused of daydreaming. I didn't know how to make friends, was very shy and started my first homosexual experiences at the age of five.
My father was a homophobic truck driver and a violent drunk and at the age of five told me that kissing him good night would stop because I was a big boy now. Hand shakes would take the place of love from my father.
I didn't start school until I was six. A few years later I was held back a year. by the time I turned seventeen I had run away several times. One day after school, I went to a Navy recruiting center and asked how old I had to be to join the service. they said eighteen but with parental consent I could join at seventeen. I asked for the necessary papers and took them home and said I wanted to join the Navy, and if they didn't sign the papers I would run away again. They decided that if I wanted away from home that bad, the military was the best place to be. I enlisted in August, 1972.
In all those years I had never heard from my natural mother, and on three separate occasions, my mother had asked about me. The first two times my father said she wanted to see me I said "NO". I could not hold down a job, and always thought everyone disliked or hated me. About the age of twenty or so I started reading books such as "I'm OK, Your're OK". any books that I thought would help me get over my dysfunctional family life. I also started doing crossword puzzles to increase my vocabulary, and would practice adding and subtracting till I didn't have to sue my fingers to help.
I didn't know it at the time but the decision to see my mother changed my life dramatically in ways I wasn't aware of until years later. At the age of 25 or so, having broken up with a lover, who was also and alcoholic, and abuser, I felt I was HIV positive that was back in 1979 June to be exact. I had decided to go home to Michigan to see my father and stepmother from here on referred to as mother of love. I was going to tell them that I thought I had AIDS, but five minutes in the door my father, for the third time, said your mother wants to see you. Without even thinking, I blurted out " I think its abouth time ". It wasn't until later that night that I staarted feeling scared, angry, confused, but not hopeful. What to say; what not to say; all the feelings and questions hit all at once. Talk about my cup runneth over, it was more like putting a thimble at the bottom of Niagara Falls.
No comments:
Post a Comment